Introduction

[Note to brand-new readers: I originally started this blog on a forum for survivors of sexual assault and abuse (Pandora's Aquarium). The entries from the first couple months focus almost exclusively on trying to name and find a way to understand my experience with my uncle. After that it improves, I think. At the beginning of 2010 I moved the entire blog from its original location over here to Blogger. By then it was a couple hundred entries long. I wasn't able to transfer the comments, just the entries themselves. Please don't interpret the lack of comments on this version of the blog to mean you shouldn't respond. I can't even explain how much I've come to value the feedback I get (mostly via email) from those who go back and start at the beginning.]

[Also: If you decide to read month-by-month, be aware that for some months, only the most recent posts will display.  I think for the months of August and December, for example, there's this notice at the top that says it's only showing the newest posts, which means you have to hit the "Older Posts" link to get to the first post of the month.  Okay this is probably not news to anyone but me.]



I never had a blog before. I started telling my story on a different site, and my thread got longer and longer because I kept adding to it. I think maybe I was blogging without even knowing it. Anyhow, I wanted to collect the various posts and bits and put them all in one place.

Mostly I'm doing this for myself. I'm not sure anyone but me would really want to know the details of my own uniquely weird experiences. But I know if I found the blog of someone whose story was even a little like my own, I'd want to read every word.


I'm not sure how to introduce myself. It's easier to think of asking someone else, how would you describe me?

But when I asked Carolyn, she laughed and said, "How about Legend of Biel meets Bastard out of Carolina?" Then she shook her head and said, "No--tell them you're some winning combination of Sybil, Nell, and Elisabeth Fritzl, plus some Yoda without the ears and Rain Man without the farting, all compacted into a five-foot-tall package of elbows and dark hair and National Geographic eyes."

Well, she's not much help. I wasn't even sure if it was a compliment or an insult, or just teasing, so I made a face. And for the record, I'm not from either Carolina; in fact I've never even been out of the state. And I'm taller than five feet, on occasion. Also, I don't have sixteen personalities and I don't talk backwards like Yoda. It's true I'm skinny and have dark hair and big eyes. I don't know why she called them "National Geographic eyes," because they do NOT look anything like that famous picture of the girl with the amazing eyes. My eyes are brown. Maybe she said that because they are kind of big compared to the rest of my face. I don't know.

As for the rest of it, I don't know. Carolyn's full of obscure cultural references, most of which turn out to be groanworthy if you ask her to explain. And it can be time-consuming, since so many of them are from weird old movies. She can't just tell it. We have to sit down with the VCR so I can get the "full experience." And then I get to live the rest of my life with the creepy image of Yoda imprinted on my brain. This is her idea of filling in some of the blank spots in my education. So sometimes it's better to not encourage her by asking for explanations. "Don't encourage me," she hoots. "I'm incorrigible." She heard that somewhere and thinks it's totally hilarious every time she says it. Like I said, groanworthy.

Carolyn just came over and touched my hair and said, "You don't have to describe yourself. Who you are will shine right through every little thing you say." This, I think, is both comforting and a little alarming.

I asked her if I have to use a fake name for myself. I don't want to. People all my life have taken pieces of me. I don't particularly like my name, or the reasons I have it, but it's one of the things that's always been mine. She says she thinks it's okay as long as I don't say my last name or give any details about cities, phone numbers, that kind of thing. "And by the way," she adds, "Siren is a beautiful name."

Which is exactly what someone with a normal name would think.


So to describe myself...I don't know. I don't know if I'm weird compared to other people or not. Probably. I think about stuff too much sometimes. I like to analyze things, pick things apart, try to find the logic in things. It can be annoying, especially when I get self-centered about it. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. I get too wrapped up in the details, in my own head.

I like words. I collect them in my head, and a notebook, too. Things like palindromes and reduplications. Nerdy stuff. Sometimes I get tripped up with words, like taking things too literally.

I like to tinker with things, fix things, tools and old broken things. I like to read. To write. To draw, colored pencils especially. I like to play cards, poker and pinochle, even though Carolyn says it's an old lady game. I like Scrabble and Boggle and Traverse. Not chess or Go, though. Both of those hurt my brain. There are some games on the computer I like to play.

I'm kind of jumpy. Okay, that's an understatement. I was on the street for a little while when I was thirteen, and the other kids nicknamed me "Flinch" within about the first ten seconds. I don't do it on purpose. People get irritated at it. They get mad because they think it means that I think they're the kind of person who would hit me. Which makes them kind of want to hit me.

I don't have parents, not anymore, or even relatives. I had two mothers, no father, no siblings. Allison (my other mother) died when I was nine, and Serena (my birth mother) died when I was ten. That's when I went to live with Allison's brother, and I was with him for three years. Except for a couple weeks when I was six, Allison homeschooled me, and then my uncle took over, so I've never really been to a regular school. I've been here with Carolyn since I was thirteen. We're not related to each other. Or anybody else, for that matter.

I like to be alone. I don't like being around other people much. I'm not very good at it. I don't really know people other than Carolyn and her partner, Diane, and sometimes that feels like two people too many. I mostly like to keep to myself. It doesn't feel like I'm missing out on much. Carolyn's okay. She's kind of a hermit, too. Of course, the two of us living in the same house and actually liking each other kind of speaks against the hermit thing.

It's weird to introduce myself like this. I have mixed feelings, like wanting to be inconspicuous and wanting to be noticed at the same time. Kind of like trying to sneak casually into someone else's slumber party with a fruit platter on my head.